Random "Celebrity" Sightings: Simon Rex

Recently, I found myself at Fluid nightclub. Whilst importantly placing my name on the guest list and perusing Fluid's site the day before, I knew that there was an "event" going on the night I would be there, though as I am not really up on what the kids are listening to these days, I paid little attention.

After entering the club, one of the first things I noticed was the presence of a velvet rope with an elite few standing behind it, away from the intoxicated gyrating bedazzled masses. The elite few consisted of a DJ, a couple bleary-eyed blondes in halter tops, a man with a Christmas tree-shaped afro, and a nondescript white guy in a white t-shirt. My friend had heard that the white t-shirted man was a celebrity, and asked me who it was. Peering at him urgently, I had to admit that I did not know. We later found out that he was Simon Rex, best known for his MTV VJ work back in the '90s.

Now, though I am an admitted Us Weekly whore, the fact that Simon Rex was standing behind a velvet rope in Fluid impressed me not at all. In fact, I was shocked that he was actually allowed behind the velvet rope. At this point, I was not fully inebriated yet and was still feeling smug.

A couple drinks later, my tune changed. Turning to my friend, I admitted to an insane desire to touch Simon Rex. After all, he was very hot back when I was in 8th grade, and here he was practically standing right in front of me and when was I ever going to have the opportunity to touch a D-list celebrity of my 8th grade dreams ever again?! Luckily, she had as little pride as I did, so we charged to the front of the club and stood pathetically at the velvet rope.

Unfortunately, SR could probably sense our pitifulness, because he chose that moment to escape out the back door to get stoned, as a fellow groupie informed us. We settled in to wait. During this time, we made good friends with a girl who proudly showed us a picture she and her husband had taken with Simon Rex. At this point, I did feel just a tiny bit lame, but that did not stop me from telling her "That is awesome!" really enthusiastically.

When SR reappeared, he was wearing a black Warriors jacket and some shades. Then, much to my surprise, he stepped up on a little black box, and proceeded to rap in a manner that I am sad to say was reminiscent of Vanilla Ice. Did you know SR has an alter ego named Dirt Nasty? Oh, he does. The first song went a little like this: "Something something something something CRAY-ZAY! Something something something something CRAY-ZAY!" There was much fist-pumping in the audience. The man with the Christmas tree-shaped afro (who I have now learned is Dirt Nasty's partner, Andre Legacy) waved his hands in the air.

At this point, I felt a lot lame but we had committed to our current situation, and we weren't going anywhere. Until…the lowest point of the night happened.

Dirt Nasty launched into a little ditty entitled "Baby Dick." Not only that, but he and Andre Legacy performed hand motions to accompany the clever lyrics (example: "Baby Dick!/ Itty bitty tiny little/Baby Dick!"). These hand motions consisted of holding up a pinkie finger and waving it in time to the music. What was even better about the entire experience was the enthusiasm with which the audience was imitating the hand motions and shouting the lyrics. For an idea of what it felt like to be there, I suggest you check out this YouTube link. Please take note of the waving pinkie fingers. Also, note the very cool sunglasses Dirt Nasty is sporting.

Halfway through this song, at this point, words cannot even describe the degree of lameness that I felt. I turned to my friend and we decided to high-tail it out of there. No 8th Grade Dream D-List Celebrity Touching could be worth the humiliation of waving one's pinkie in the air while aggressively shouting "Baby Dick!" Therefore, we left and comforted ourselves with greasy food at Mel's. And that was most definitely the high point of the evening.